COUNT TO 3

2012-02-01T23:01:00.000+01:00

There is more air and more light in my new cubicle. That is all I need.
Not only has Em participated in the school discussion about children's heroes, she has even been picked to be one of 9 kids from school to debate with other peers from the municipality.
Jay’s little hands warm mine while we drive to her dancing class.

2012-01-31T19:52:00.000+01:00

I feel my friend's excitement. She is eager to take part in that course.
When I see my teenage girl's face and hair, not curly but straight, I see me.
Moving my stuff from one desk to another. Feeling like an absolute professional failure. Building a career for 15 years and this is the same position, only in a different division. But I welcome change. Any change is good.

2012-01-30T19:44:00.000+01:00

I have a cold but I feel so much better today.
It's such a bright and sunny day it seems like Spring (but feels like Winter).
My teenage daughter and her classmate set a date to start on their assignment on idioms for the Slovenian class. Special assignments are the only part her school work that really get her full attention.

2012-01-29T22:01:00.000+01:00

Sleeping in. Cartoons are being watched, breakfast is served, and I am still in bed.
She comes rushing back in within minutes."Veš, kak' je mrzl'!" (you have no idea how cold it is!) she says and her cheeks are like two red apples.
While reading the English story out loud she makes a whole dramatization with her voice and gestures. Who says homework's boring...?

2012-01-26T22:39:00.000+01:00

I got through the day at the office without having a hot-dog, a cake and a drop of sweet strawberry wine, all the extras I would have forgotten all about by the time I got home. Today I am doing all it takes to break the old habits. Tomorrow I will have to start all over again.
By the time I am out of the door again pancakes with my friend’s homemade jam are made, served – and gone.
Our parental meeting at the daycare centre starts with photos of our children involved in their projects and activities.

2012-01-25T22:59:00.000+01:00

Lettuce, grilled cheese and yoghurt dressing for lunch.
There is a teenager on the fitness bike. I glance at him and there is something familiar in his face and his straight red hair. Then I see him smile at a friend and it’s the smile from more than 20 years ago, an age this boy hasn’t even reached yet.
Coming home from the gym I tiptoe into the living room hoping to watch the one movie in the whole week on TV. Soon I hear the squeaking of the door behind the wall separating the rooms and within two minutes a piece of paper lands on the floor. It says, in capital letters: HVALA BOGU DA SI PRIŠLA (in English: thanks god you came). I laugh out loud and go search for the little sender.

2012-01-22T23:41:00.000+01:00

I imagine the same situation happening in a week. And the week after. And I understand myself better. For now.
I sensed their resentment and it affected me but after a while I decide to pick my thoughts and let go. I don’t want to please everybody. I can’t and I don’t want to.
The plan to get to work super early tomorrow morning after a hopefully good night sleep come crashing down the moment I feel her hot forehead. Nothing else matters anymore.

2012-01-21T23:37:00.000+01:00

We take a walk in the sun, all three of us.
For a moment when we converse about common issues, in our kitchen and away from the rest, I feel the old closeness we used to share, my Auntie and I.
“What’s so great about being a mommy?” she wonders at bedtime.

2012-01-20T23:35:00.000+01:00

If I had had an alternative, I would have left yesterday… So far there is one good thing about the new position they expect me to take: I get the my old pay back.
Post work-out energy overload.
I thought I’d surprise my teenage daughter by picking her up after her dance class. She doesn’t think it’s any big deal until I tell her that we’re off to the movies, just the two of us…!

2012-01-19T23:06:00.002+01:00

I have something for you, she said. A book. Her first. In it she wrote her first story. About a butterfly and the desert and the sun and the seagulls.
I mail the big envelope and it is a relief. I may not be able to ever deal with the emotional loss, but at least I am getting over and done with the bureaucracy.
Long showers. Lavender soap. Soaking feet. Tee tree cream. Reading. Tonight my bathroom is my spa.

November’s gone

2011-11-30T23:02:00.001+01:00

Our chat saves me from dwelling on disappointment.
Their old house is like an enchanted castle but then the lights reveal its colorful and cozy interior.
I sneak under her bedcovers while she watches TV.

Tuesday’s 3

2011-11-29T23:44:00.002+01:00

I talk and talk and she listens and the sun keeps shining on us despite everything.
There was no need to argument. To ask for help. I just did it. Nobody seemed to care. I care.
I feel brain-washed. In a good way.

Monday’s skies

2011-11-28T23:18:00.003+01:00

An amazing mackerel sky at dawn. I can’t ever remember seeing a single cloud spread across the sky like that, in the form of a volcano eruption in grey and pink.
I changed clothes and walked right out of the house, into the sun. It was a perfect walk to the library. And back, under the starry sky.
There is something healing coming my way every time I experience my teenage daughter’s expressions of deepest sentiments, be it happiness, anger, sadness, pain. Or fear, like tonight. It’s in the knowing she can do it and I never could.

Wednesday anticipation

2011-11-23T23:20:00.002+01:00

I feel assured about not experiencing unplesantries without prior notice. Which is good.
I help Jay dress up for the dancing class. I feel her heart pound in anticipation.
Em’s looking forward to going to the book fair.

Finally, Tuesday

2011-11-22T23:51:00.000+01:00

I feel my unease. Can't focus. Can't work. Then my coworker says something about scanning some competitor's prices and I can't be more grateful for the lucky chance to leave the office for a couple of hours.
It's been ages since I sat down next to her to draw. To read, I will do that any time. But to draw, no. It seems too simple, won't shut the mind. But then I do just that. Draw ornaments, patterns, doodle. And I dive into peacefulness, even if just for an hour. We both do.
I watch her parade in her new black boots. And I can see she is growing. Too fast.

Free-day it is!

2011-10-28T20:18:00.000+02:00

"Do you even see it is sunny outside?" And I see my friend is right to draw my attention away from life's unimportant small issues.
"If you take time, you can find many interesting things." Jay is referring to the stones she found someplace, and I am thinking intangible things.
"Do you have plans after Em's dancing class tomorrow ?" And I say yes because my day and my daughter's is planned out.

Thursday's 3

2011-10-27T22:49:00.001+02:00

I wanted to pay just gas but then I pick a sandwitch to take along which I haven't done in months, and the lady behind the counter checks my card and says it's free of charge because I have 5 stamps already.
Jay brings her notebook home from daycare and she shows me all her beautiful drawings. She tells me she has joined the choir, for the very first time. Yep, she is a big girl now.
There is a young man at the castle cafe, he's a cook actually with great skills in decorating food, who makes wonders out of pumpkins... There, what a sunflower!

Dancing Wednesday

2011-10-26T20:10:00.000+02:00

Human nature never fails to amaze me. Which is good. Even when it's about power.
The girls' dancing is like watching butterflies. So fragile and beautiful. Jay's first performance with the group.
Buying tickets to a puppets' show.

Active Tuesday

2011-10-25T19:31:00.001+02:00

I have a to-do list. The lines in red really bug me because they have a deadline in October and they are just calling for immediate action. So action it is. Stopping by to schedule my car service.
Last time Jay and I went for a walk in the woods we saw trash lying around and we promised to each other to pick the empty bottles and wrapping paper next time. Today I would have forgotten all about it if Jay hadn't reminded me to take the trash bag along.
Crushed walnuts on our dining table.

Monday’s heights

2011-10-24T23:30:00.002+02:00

Jay tells me she got a star from her teacher for singing a song at daycare. She’s got happy eyes.
It’s the first time I hear Em play piano accompaniment to flute.
It’s late and I have a slight headache but my energy level is surprisingly high. My investment into a wristband is paying off already.

Saturday morning in Ljubljana

2011-10-15T23:51:00.011+02:00

Star Park, at 8 a.m.

Old Square, oh, where are thy people...

Shoemakers' Bridge, still asleep

Thursday at home

2011-10-13T23:34:00.004+02:00

The good thing about having to stay at home is… being at home.
A magazine with articles and posters of her favorite musicians waiting on the desk calms down her teenager temper.
In the evening Jay's forehead, at the usual body temperature.

Wednesday's unexpected

2011-10-12T23:32:00.000+02:00

The printer broke down. No way can we print out any photos for Em's school project. Thanks goodness I didn't toss away that pile of old National Geographics. Good old paper vs. high tech.
At some point I feel like I am going to walk out of the house and just keep walking. But the feeling goes away just as swiftly as it came.
One vanilla pudding at 11 p.m. can do wonders.

The Tuesday’s old and new

2011-10-11T23:24:00.000+02:00

I cut some flowers and make a bouquet. I use my late Grandma’s ceramic jug. I love this jug.
Two old acquaintances stop by while I work in our vegetable garden and we have a good laugh together.
Jay says there is a boy at daycare that gives her many hugs. “He says he likes me! Why can’t he just look at me?!” I guess realizing we can have something just by looking at it, comes with age.

Monday cozy

2011-10-10T23:40:00.001+02:00

It is warm and cozy at our local library. And I find three new storybooks in English!
The desks in the music classroom are really classy. I wish I had one at home.
I sneak under my bedcover and indulge in the hike descriptions in the book.

Comfortable Sunday

2011-10-09T23:53:00.001+02:00

The luxury of stretching in bed on a Sunday morning.
I spot visitors in our driveway just at the time I make rooibos tea.
We thought there weren’t going to be any after seeing people walk under those chestnut trees. But it’s a great harvest and Jay keeps saying “we don’t have enough!” because she will take a pot full of chestnuts to her daycare centre.

Refreshing Saturday

2011-10-08T23:44:00.003+02:00

It’s morning, 6 degrees C. After harvesting vegetables for lunch I walk up and down the lawn to get the mud off my garden flip-flops’ soles. Then I take them off and continue barefoot. Refreshing!
I encourage Jay to walk up to two strange ladies and ask to borrow a candle lighter. And she does it without hesitation. I remember her being a shy 5-year old but not anymore.
I am ready to leave but then I wait till they are finished listening to the audio story The Mishmash Bakery, one of my favorites, too.

Friday's gone

2011-10-07T22:23:00.002+02:00

The view from our Saturday's Dwarf's Hike, a gorgeous Indian Summer day

There has been so much talk about the Indian Summer ending on Friday, and I was expecting 5 degrees and rain, and there is the sky, breath-takingly wild with colors and clouds, and the air at 15 degrees. (Which drops to 5 in the afternoon.)
My friend calls in the morning to ask about my girls' condition (both home with high temperature and a headache) and it is perfect timing because I remember to call the school to report on their absence.
I drift away while the gongs play.

Thursday's harvesting

2011-10-06T23:42:00.003+02:00

I find some great website with English exercises and I don’t even blink while doing some of them during work time.
It's almost dark when we leave the garden with a pile of red carrots pulled out of the ground and two handfuls of dried blossoms to be used for next year's seeds.
Bedtime with Pippi Longstocking, »Pippi goes to a coffee party«. Pippi makes a promise to Annika and Tommy:"... I have noticed several times that people don't think I know now to behave even when I'm trying as hard as I can. At sea we were never fussy about things like that. But I promise that I'll take special pains today so you won't have to be a ashamed of me.« I like it that she says »people don't think I know hot to behave« and not »people think I don't know how to behave«. Because Pippi knows. And she will only make extra effort for her friends’ sake.

Wednesday’s favorites

2011-10-05T23:10:00.000+02:00

Jay's new favorite color is red. »I think it is the strongest among colors«. She is wearing all red to her daycare today.
I read a great poem by Janez Menart on the net, and I just love the last two lines: »…it's a fortune to have a path in front of me and a delight to take it.«
Em’s class has been on a school excursion to the north-eastern part of Slovenia. I am happy she thought a particular site was so interesting that she took notes.

Interaction on Tuesday

2011-10-04T23:59:00.002+02:00

She uploads my photos to her computer and then e-mails them to mine. It takes at least 5 minutes and I really appreciate it.
I print-out the application and close the computer. I am mailing it, definitely.
Our girls' afternoon out is more about sharing stories than about watching the movie.

The unusual Monday

2011-10-03T23:52:00.008+02:00

An unusual but expected new situation makes me feel slightly awkward, but I get through the day, somehow.
I start the car and there is Amy's music in the air instead of the usual 3.30 p.m. news.
As soon as I walk through the door Em shares details about a school project she has been assigned to and has to do with interviewing a writer, and another one that she is planning herself and is all about dancing.

Sundayssss

2011-10-02T23:42:00.002+02:00

Sun.
Sore muscles, still, reminding me of my Friday bliss.
Coming to an agreement with Em about her afternoon plans.

Dwarf's Hike on Saturday

2011-10-01T23:29:00.000+02:00

The children have been so looking forward to the Dwarf's Hike organized by the local daycare centre! They followed Bear Zdravko and SnowWhite and learnt why it is dangerous to light a fire in the wood, and why it is important for mushroom pickers to carry their trophies in a basket and not a sack, and who brings food to the animals in the woods at winter time... They did some jumping and dancing, and had pencakes and roasted potatoes and popcorn... What a glorious day in the sun!

A perfect Friday

2011-09-30T23:09:00.004+02:00

I wasn’t all that confident about carrying out my big plan at 5 a.m. as I was on my way to the Alpine valley Logarska. But gradually the mind did take over and complemented my lack of physical strength which has given me the ultimate pleasure of the most beautiful sunrise with mountain peaks bathing in gold, a training of persistence by walking the serpentine trail till I reached the wall equipped with steel cables that led me to Kamniško sedlo, Kamnik saddle, 1.876 m alt.

The wonder of it all definitely exceeds the limitation of this blog’s 3, but for the sake of it I will pick 3 photos and write down 3 old wisdoms that have revealed to me in new disguises:

1. If your path is the goal, your destination will reveal eventually.

2. You make your way along the trail of stones by stepping on them.

3. Admitting to yourself what it is that you need to go on,

and giving yourself the luxury of it, is not a sign of weakness.

I can certainly call this one of the best days of my life.

Smiling Thursday

2011-09-29T14:24:00.001+02:00

I am taking tomorrow off. Planning a great solo trip. Looking so forward to it that I can’t hold back but tell everyone I speak to. With a big smile on my face.
I feel I need to share my opinion and when I get the chance I see my coworkers agree with me.
We set a date for a girls’ afternoon out.

1st Blogoversary!

2011-09-28T23:18:00.000+02:00

No queue and having the car insurance papers done in less than 20 minutes.
She gives me a call back and I am happy to hear her voice. It’s nice to have a friend, a new friend.
In the street, downtown, we spot a little boy, 1 year old the most, on a wooden tricycle with a seat as high to support him when he loses balance walking. And what a walker he is! Tiny, but fast.

Alive on Tuesday

2011-09-27T23:45:00.000+02:00

Jay slept over at my Mom's place. Her call was the first one I got in the morning. »Zdravo, mami…«
She reads the story she has written to me and I agree that it is absolutely great. Em's eyes sparkle.
It is pitch dark while I push my bicycle uphill. There is something black in the middle of road, I hear movement in the bushes, the adrenaline pumps in… wow, I am alive!

Monday's for picking apples

2011-09-26T20:47:00.001+02:00

I greet the clients and the first thing the lady asks is whether I have changed the color of my hair. The first time she ever said anything that personal. On our last meeting.
Picking apples always makes me realize it really is Autumn already. And I love watching Jay grab one right there, from the tree and eat it.
I miss them terribly but I enjoy the silence in the empty house... as long as it doesn't last too long.

Sunday by the river

2011-09-25T23:19:00.003+02:00

I could hear the water fall over the river dam even when our bedroom windows were closed at my grandparents' place. My grandparents are gone now, and I will never be able to enter that house again, and that dam was never rebuilt after the flood 20 years ago, but I know it was there and that is where my love for river dams comes from.
We walked down to the nearest one on Sunday afternoon and it was great... We left behind the smell of the plum marmelade I had made at home, the second best thing that day, and Amy's Back to Black in the CD player, coming in third place.

This week's 3

2011-09-24T23:01:00.003+02:00

1. Jay at Pippi Longstocking festival's opening

2. Gathering material for a school project at Šenek parc

3. Didn't expect to see Europa's abduction on a Roman tombstone
at the Roman burial ground, Šempeter v Savinjski dolini
but there it was...

Monday bliss

2011-09-19T23:17:00.000+02:00

I manage to delete another 1.000 e-mails from my inbox and feel the bliss of e-decluttering.
Unexpected exchange: I bring kiddy clothes and she offers listening to her gongs.
It was an after-the-rain sunset with clouds giving room to a whole lot of sky, revealing a rainbow in the far distance and then changing their grey bellies to ash-pink, and I was amazed by the wild beauty of it all.

Even if..., it's OK on a Friday

2011-09-16T20:28:00.000+02:00

I thought I saw a familiar face but it was too distant to be sure about it. I make a call and find out I was mistaken but we both have a good laugh and it feels like old times, the good ones, 20 years ago.
He may learn to do the job eventually,and if he doesn't, that is not your problem, it's the management's, she says to me, and I am relieved.
We sit and talk and even if we don't have the time to go into details, we share that mutual understanding of our lives.

Thursday's for growing

2011-09-15T23:03:00.003+02:00

I am making peace with a certain situation every day almost like starting from scratch. But my confidence is growing.
As soon as I take the blame, our communication changes from bad to good. I am learning. From books and from teenagers.
I have no idea why I was pondering whether to take the bike and go someplace or not. I took the bike and as I cycled down the road there was a whole world right there, within my reach.

3 on Sunday

2011-09-11T18:38:00.002+02:00

Feeling better. Physically, at least.
Jay wants to have a clean hairbrush. I show her how to remove all the hair and how to wash it. Then she does the same with her sister's brush.
I go through some finance newspaper, looking for something, a sign, a hint... And there it is, a group of children in the photo, and an article about... possibilities?

Friday in bed

2011-09-09T23:58:00.001+02:00

I am watching my life from a different perspective.
I got to miss a boring meeting I had promised to attend, and couldn't train the newcomer because I wasn't there... It can't get any better than that.
After 24 hours of quarantine I am desperate for my daughters' hugs.

Cleaning up on Tuesday

2011-09-06T23:54:00.000+02:00

The golden sky greets me through the kitchen window. I smile back and pour myself a glass of water.
Sometimes cleaning up is about dripping sweat and letting all the accumulated negativity evaporate, clean tiles being only the side effect.
Jay is happy to give away her little plastic kitchen stove… She will be able to play with it at the daycare every day, and so will her mates.

A trustworthy Tuesday

2011-08-23T23:43:00.001+02:00

I look through the window and the sky above the hills is pink and it is perfect as perfect can be.
It took me more than a week to make that call, but now I know why. I am learning to trust my instincts.
She lets out a timid laugh. We are shopping for her first bras.

Monday heat

2011-08-22T23:35:00.002+02:00

We spend our break eating burek in the shade of the trees, with no people in sight, ignoring the parking lot at our back. I drift away.
I think “library” and Jay suggests: “Let’s go to the library!” Mindreaders they are, my girls.
Their laughter is like a cool breeze on my hot troubled soul.

Sunny day

2011-08-21T23:47:00.000+02:00

I go upstairs to start on my weekend morning workout but then I just lie down on the bed in the guest room and listen to the sounds coming through the open window.
Jay is tired, so tired in the evening. I ask her why she didn’t take that afternoon nap with me but rather put away books and clutter from the nightstands instead, and she says confidently: “It was the right day to do it.”
The movie on the TV spills over excitement over travelling to new places, meeting new people and opening oneself to new adventures.

Friday at 2063 m alt.

2011-08-19T23:51:00.014+02:00

It has been my big wish to be able to go hiking someplace really high sometime this summer... like back many years ago when I hiked to just about every peak (but one) in the Kamnik-Savinja Alps range...
And today I did it.
I took the day off from work, animated our family and we drove off to the mountain hut at 1500 m alt. and from there the three of us continued on to the top of the mountain Raduha, 2063 m alt. It took me 2 hours to get there which is 30 minutes more than what the signs suggested. Not a timing I should brag about, but my fit isn't either. It has been a challenge for me, indeed. And for Em, my 11-year old. I am very proud of her.

I am happy, still full of adrenaline and penetrated by all those energizing negative ions, and making plans for the next tour.

The top of Raduha, only 2 hours' hike away.

Just 10 minutes to go!

At the top of the mountain, with a magnificient view

of the Kamnik-Savinja Alps and Julian Alps far right, in the mist.

It was worth it, every step.

Sunday afternoon out in the open

2011-08-07T23:18:00.004+02:00

We spent some time at the open-air museum at Rogatec.

1. A cottage surrounded by the vineyard...

2. Beehives (this one's for you, Rebecca!) found, bracelets lost...

3. And old houses, my favorite!

Wednesday’s for learning

2011-08-03T23:15:00.000+02:00

Jay manages to strike the birdie with the racquet and I tell her what a great badminton player she is learning to be. “I have started to learn two new things: swimming without armbands and badminton!” she says smiling. I have forgotten what joy it is to learn new things and it is nice to be reminded again.
“Mommy, all houses have to face the highest mountain in Bali! And they can’t be any higher then a palmtree!” And then, when the documentary is over and we are ready for sleep, I grab the atlas and look for Bali, and then Em has to find Tahiti, all because I had a penfriend there back when I was a teenager.
I read a passage from the book about family values and it depicts my situation exactly, and then I know that my feelings make sense. Sometimes.

Another working day

2011-08-01T23:33:00.003+02:00

Breakfast to take to the office and breakfast for the fortunate ones staying at home.
I am finished gardening just as I feel raindrops on my sweaty skin.
We occupy the big bed and nothing can tear us apart.

My hectic Friday

2011-07-22T23:31:00.000+02:00

The day before going away on a vacation is always a bad day for me. Today's that day. But it starts off pretty well. I go get some certificates and there is no queue. And I have just enough time to meet a friend for coffee.
Lunch is served. By me.
And the day ends quite successfully also: plush doggies are packed; books are in the bags along with the swimsuits.

Cloudy Tuesday

2011-07-19T20:19:00.000+02:00

1. Hiking in the woods. Both girls enjoy it. They spot a butterfly.

2. Perfect lunch: green beans from our garden.

3. Playing a new game: Mother Crow guarding her eggs from the predators.

Rainy Monday

2011-07-18T20:53:00.001+02:00

I like summer rain. And there was a whole lot of rain today...
I am offered help in the kitchen. And I didn't even ask for it. Jay is doing the dishes.
When I enter the library I notice there is another librarian there. And I realize how much I like the other lady that I see behind the counter every week.

Sunny Sunday

2011-07-17T20:25:00.001+02:00

1. Spending a whole day with the sun, the vineyards and the hills.

2. A glass of wine under a straw roof.

3. I think I have found the perfect house for me.

Saturday's delights

2011-07-16T17:48:00.005+02:00

Buying fruit at the open market in Ljubljana.
Drinking tea and endulging in a blueberry cake at the Cha House.
Seeing the girls smiling and with paper feathers garlanding their heads, the ones they created at the Slovenian Ethnographic Museum.

It's Friday!

2011-07-15T23:34:00.002+02:00

It's 10 minutes to leaving the office. I am done. My 2-week vacation, here I come! Just a brief about my projects to my superior. Who happens to remember about a thing that needs to be done. Urgently. Two sentences and he's out of the office and I am stuck by my desk for another hour. Seeing another colleague working in her cubicle makes the situation more bearable from the very first instant; deciding that I am not letting such expressions of power get to me for more than 1 minute, makes it just another assignment; and realizing it is unnecessary once I gather the data and do the analysis, makes it a total absurd that gives me good laugh when I shut down the computer and leave.
She listens and I don't expect her to say anyhing, but then she presents my options very objectively and although it doesn't solve anyhing, it is easier to reflect on it without that strong emotional tone.
They are three lovely 11-year olds, so full of life, laughter, love. I am so impressed by the the flow of energy among them that I can't help wondering about chances of bringing them together really soon again when the other two girls leave.

Thursday perspectives

2011-07-14T23:55:00.002+02:00

I bring the 3-D optical illusion card to the office in the morning. I’ve tried several times before but I couldn’t see the hidden image… I try again now. And again. Then I turn it upside down. I see a whole lot more now. I am almost there. Then I turn it right again. And there it is: the hand holding a ball. Starting fresh in the morning, persistence and looking from another angle give a different / better perspective.
I wait for everyone to leave the house. Then I sneak downstairs and bring that small container of ice-cream… I know it’s full of artificial additives, and it’s not even my favorite flavor, but its cold creamy sweetness brings me back into the moment.
There is plenty of room on the couch but she finds the perfect spot, so close to me we both feel like she’s sitting in my lap.

Wednesday signs

2011-07-13T23:41:00.000+02:00

She is standing close to the tennis court fence, watching and waiting for the slightest sign from her sister.
It’s all lettuce seedlings and no soil. It looks like clover but it’s really rocket lettuce.
II feel the tension build within me. How I hate having to pick, having to make a decision when none of the options is what I truly want. But then I give in and send off the e-mail. I get a call back that it’s too late. The Universe knows - and that is comforting.

Gently on a Tuesday

2011-07-12T23:06:00.002+02:00

“It died,” she says looking at a little bug lying on the asphalt. Then she carries it away with her spade and gently lays it on the lawn.
I neatly sort the documents, trash all the unnecessary papers and my desk looks almost perfect when I leave the office.
I need solid ground to be able to take off and then to land and take off again. I have always known solid ground was an illusion, but lately I am even more aware of it. The good thing is that I have a runway within me. I just forget that sometimes. And it is good to remember.

Thursday’s fields

2011-07-07T23:47:00.000+02:00

Em’s list of activities has shrunk from school work, piano & dancing lessons, reading, playing with her sister and enjoying outdoors to the last three on the list this summer. My adding “housework assistance” on her list doesn’t make her too cheerful but it makes up a great practice field for good argumentation, fair negotiation and quiet compromising for both of us.
I have fought against reading books by a foreign family therapist for a long time, just because there had been so media coverage about his works and his readings… or maybe because I thought I was past diving into theory… Anyway, I now have two books of his, brought home from the local library, and the first pages are great.
I brush by the shrub to check on the tomatoes and the scent of Lemon Balm is released instantly.

Light Wednesday

2011-07-06T23:24:00.001+02:00

We cross ways with a little hedgehog, now lying on the lawn, trembling and breathing really deep. The girls are amazed, but then we all give it space to go its way.
Ice-cream tarts and freshly squeezed lemonades and thick stone walls.
Late night thoughts start to wear me down, but then I read some uplifting love sonnets and all that heaviness is gone.

Tuesday's fun

2011-07-05T23:55:00.000+02:00

“Will you be home soon?” Jay asks, half asleep and embracing the plush doggies to keep her company.
I am not sure it was mother-daughter quality time, but it was definitely fun going to the movies and then shopping for Em’s first pair of All Stars sneakers ever.
My friend’s cheerful voice brought back memories of long ice-cream afternoon chats by the river Ljubljanica.

Thursday’s live

2011-06-30T23:30:00.000+02:00

My early summer enthusiasm over small but steady positive changes in my perspective melts down in the office heat, but I decide I will just let it pass and not give up.
As approach the post office I see a swallow flying away from the building. I look closer and see a nest above the entrance, beneath a small roof.
“I love our whole family…” says Jay lying in the big bed and starts listing names of the family members, ”… and myself.”

Wednesday’s brightness

2011-06-29T23:28:00.002+02:00

I laugh at Em wearing my Mother’s huge round out-of-date dark sunglasses to filter the bright early morning sun.
At the new library I run into a friend and her girls. It’s nice to meet friends in places I enjoy.
There is still enough light coming through the window to read the bedtime story.

Tuesday’s news

2011-06-28T23:13:00.000+02:00

I say no to a promotion that I have been passed up for twice before, a job that I am more than qualified to do.
She catches me by surprise with her new hair-cut. I look at her and I see me from many many years ago.
The girls tour the driving training roads with their bikes while I read an article about a kayaking adventure in the shade. I am easy.

Bold without blinking on a Monday

2011-06-27T23:37:00.001+02:00

1. I walk across the parking lot when I see an empty beer tin being thrown out of a car. The car gets started just as I am about to pass by. I knock on the fellow driver’s side car window. Next thing I know I am looking in the eyes of a teenage chubby boy and a man in the driver’s seat that is probably his father.
“Do you think it is the right thing to do to throw trash out of your car?”
“Yes!” says the big man.
“Do you think you are giving a good example to your child?”
“Yes!”
“Then it is OK.” That’s all I can say and then I walk away.
It was bold and I have never done it before, but I think it was also a good & right thing to do.

2. I glance at a baby in his pushchair and I see he’s staring at me (or better, at my glasses) without blinking. He is the loveliest little boy in a navy blue striped T-shirt. Time stops for three or four seconds.

3. Jay starts sweeping the paved path in our vegetable garden with her little broom, and doesn’t stop till she’s finished. I can see she is proud of herself and I am, too.

My weekend highlights

2011-06-26T23:24:00.002+02:00

Our guests are amazed to see their girls eat their veggie soup and even ask to try the celery soup with small lumps made of bucketwheat flour… I feel rewarded for all the time and energy spent on peeling, chopping, stirring, cooking, mixing and baking.
When Jay’s bike is no longer connected to her dad’s with the tow bar and she has to pedal herself she starts complaining that her bike is slow because of the installed tow bar’s receivers. A perfect example of how quickly we get used to easy going which makes me smile.
It's wonderful to see the lettuce sprouts in just one week of germination.

Wednesday’s fine

2011-06-22T23:05:00.000+02:00

My morning starts with a glass of mineral water and a page in the book about Alma Karlin.
I walk through the door and the first thing she has to say is: “Can you imagine it’s the last day of school tomorrow?” No. I don’t want to believe it’s her last day in 6^th Grade.
I dive into the ocean within me and I feel dizzy and unstable although I am sitting on the floor. But I am fine, just fine.

Thursday’s great people

2011-06-16T23:02:00.000+02:00

Jay talks me into stopping by and saying hello to her little friend and her family outside their lovely home:

They seem such great people and I am glad to have met them.
The grass around their house is so thick it feels like walking on a carpet.
The girls are like two balls bouncing all around the garden and jiggling all the time.

Wednesday outcomes

2011-06-15T22:57:00.002+02:00

I feel ignored and then I feel relieved. We know the right down deep inside, always.
There is a moment when I feel absolutely exhausted from my long working day but then the adrenaline of experimenting in the kitchen rushes in – and I put the dish in the oven and I am done.
There is wide variety to choose from and everything smells so good.

Tuesday perfect timing

2011-06-14T23:41:00.001+02:00

I send my book review on time and wait patiently to see it on the web along with others’ reviews.
Despite recent missing lessons and changing teachers Em completes another piano school year with a smile on her face.
I ran after Jay and nearly catch her but she made up a new rule so I have to stand still as soon as she stops. We go on running around our garden and I don’t even lose my breath.

Spanish Thursday

2011-06-09T23:13:00.000+02:00

The children dance and they twirl and they bounce and crawl to music from different parts of Europe.
Jay and her mates wear red T-shits and a red blossom in their hair - featuring Spain. The only thing missing is that she is not one of the few mates from her group that will be going to school in the fall to yell "Ole!" at the end of their performance.
Some dancers are especially sweet...

Wednesday's greens

2011-06-08T23:36:00.004+02:00

Our late afternoon in shades of green,
talking, laughing, together.

Tuesday's for letting go

2011-06-07T23:39:00.001+02:00

I hold the cowboy and inspect all the little plastic parts that come with it, and they are all there, in the original box, for almost 40 years.
I make some more space on my bookshelves and pile up some more books for the school library. Everybody’s happy.
I get a late birthday present and it says to me “write, write, just write…”

Monday, Monday, so good to me

2011-06-06T23:40:00.000+02:00

There is birds' singing in the air and raindrops on the grass as I walk down to the garden to get the lettuce.
After my 30-minute decluttering session I look through the window and I see the rainbow but it disappears very soon. When I look again an hour later there is another rainbow.
Jay sits at the table with a bowl of red cherries right in front of her.

My weekend highlights

2011-06-05T23:36:00.002+02:00

The dance production Odysseyade is staged at the local theater. I love how Em and her group present the creation of the world according to Greek mythology.
I watch them leave, holding hands down the sidewalk and the sight of their sisterly love warms my heart.
We come visit our friends to meet their 5-days old Icelandic foal. The girls and I hardly get the chance to touch its soft hair because the overprotective mare is just a step away all the time. Zippy bounces in the meadow like a child.

photo: Ž.U.

Blown away on a Thursday

2011-06-02T23:01:00.000+02:00

Morning starts with: »Who do you think I am to carry you around in the middle of the night?«. »My relative!« the little girl says back to her daddy.
I am greeted by the fresh wind blowing away the office stuffiness. Going home.
I sneak into her bed while she is still brushing her teeth in the bathroom. She is most happy to see me there and then lectures me about how I am not allowed to read now because she has so much to tell me.

Releasing energy on a Wednesday

2011-06-01T23:08:00.001+02:00

I make a presentation at work. All my suggestions are accepted and I feel like it is because of the excess of energy I am feeling.
“It’s too much energy built up in there,” the therapist says. How it cannot be when I am carrying my whole world on my shoulders, I think to myself. They hurt from the massage but it is a good pain.
I ask Jay to tell me her three good things at bedtime and she says without hesitation: »Seeing Vita, my friend, spending time at the daycare centre, going for a trip and ice-cream with daddy.« It is as simple as that: friends, a stimulating environment and happy time spent with your loved ones.

Tuesday’s time out

2011-05-31T23:45:00.001+02:00

She stops by my desk and shares details about her new furniture. It’s wonderful to see her happy and smiling again.
The smell of freshly cut wood in the workshop.
I turn on the TV just as the guys play scenes with garden dwarfs in The Full Monty.

Monday sources

2011-05-30T23:08:00.000+02:00

I feel the spark of a new professional perspective lighten in my brain but it’s put out by the feed-back from the mayor’s office. A tailor-made job advertisement, obviously. I am annoyed which is not good. The good thing is that I feel activated to move on, to do something, anything. Even dishes.
The driving training roads are busy with small cyclists. I wait for Jay to cycle by, happy to see her smiling and being so proud of herself.
I look through the window and I see our trampoline and the vegetable garden, the oak tree and houses and then the hilly horizon in the golden evening sun and I know I have so much to be grateful for.

Sunday's highlights

2011-05-29T23:14:00.000+02:00

We go for a long walk and Em asks me to talk about my recent reads and afterwards she tells me about hers. Happy time.
The smell of allspice from freshly baked cookies in our home.
As I close the window in the room upstairs I see the illuminated church belltowers on the hilltop and I think to myself how my father would have enjoyed that view if he had ever slept over in that room.

Thursday's creativity

2011-05-26T23:15:00.002+02:00

»Are you happy I am helping you?« »Yes, I am, Jay.« And so are the little seeds we plant and the lettuce we water.
A wonderful piece of art in my mail box saying »Life is a Mess – just breathe« - and live it to the maximum, I add in my mind.
Despite low quality of some old family black & white photos the scans are very fine and I put together a project I had in mind for a while now. Healing comes my way.

Wednesday’s turn-outs

2011-05-25T23:10:00.001+02:00

My last minute arrangements for lunch break turn out delicious.
There is a late afternoon summer breeze and hula-hoops being whirled around.
It’s late and I am tired and I don’t want to do my exercise – but then Jay joins me and comments the DVD workout and I do it anyway, and it feels good to win against my biggest enemy, laziness, just by being distracted by my little girl.

Monday’s naturals

2011-05-23T23:16:00.002+02:00

Jay keeps bringing me new and new storybooks from the library shelves while I ponder whether to borrow two or three for myself.
I encourage Em to go for a hike but she tells me she had already gone out, saw a rainbow just as she walked down the road and around the corner, ran home to get her camera but the rainbow disappeared by the time she came back. Em likes rainbows just like me.
I harvest some vegetable from the garden and listen to the evening singing from the forest and the meadow.

Sunday at home

2011-05-22T23:52:00.000+02:00

The DVD workout requires weights – I don’t have any, and half a liter bottles with water are too light. I laugh at the thought of my girls waking up and seeing me do those upper body exercises with a package of flour in an extra plastic sack, each in one hand.
I use muscovado and add less than required in the recipe, sprinkle with chopped hazelnuts instead of the usual blueberries. After it is baked and ready to eat I hold my breath to hear family feedback. “This is gooood!”
Jay dashes through the door to report: “I can ride the bike by myself!” What could be greater than that, to be able to ride anywhere with the wind in your face and your hair?

An unpredictable Thursday

2011-05-19T23:14:00.000+02:00

It is starting to be impossible to predict her response to clothes I buy for her and to places I take her to. She is growing up, definitely.
The unfairness of the situation makes me a little angry. But no one is to blame. And I am the only one to deal with it. So I just dive in and I am over and done with it by the time I have to leave.
It was 100% pure magic to listen to their music live, again. The neighboring town’s school gym may not be the perfect environment but it’s packed with locals and non-locals, even with people speaking German and English, and we are all just enchanted.

Wednesday’s fine

2011-05-18T23:04:00.000+02:00

There are some great things in my mailbox today: a romantic movie and some embarrassing stories to read which remind me of situations when I felt the blush rising in my face. All is fine as long as I am able to laugh at myself.
I glance at the TV screen wishing I had the time to sit down and watch the movie amid all the things and people that call for my attention. But it’s really just an impulse because I like the actress and her haircut, and what I really want is to give a shower to Jay and sweet-talk her to sleep.
I can’t remember the last time a book made me cry… My cheeks are wet from tears and it is so liberating. It’s only just page 94 and more than another 100 pages to go.

Tuesday smiles

2011-05-17T23:41:00.001+02:00

I dial an unknown number and hear a familiar voice. Happy memories from 20 years ago come to surface.
I make a crazy promise to wear a very short skirt for a certain special occasion which is very unlikely to take place ever. The whole family laughs just at the thought of it. I do, too.
The smell of strawberries in my shower. I check the image on the container if it is just strawberries or strawberries with cream.

Tuesday surprises

2011-05-03T23:12:00.000+02:00

Em is eager to read her new poem to me. Indeed, a perfect combination of her favourite activities: writing rhymes about reading books.
A postcard and a letter in my mailbox. They are from different countries, but both have polar bear stamps.
I drive to the local theatre in the rain drizzling evening. Then the light cuts through the drapery and I see two ends of a rainbow. My first rainbow scene this year.

Tuesday highlights

2011-04-19T23:11:00.000+02:00

The shop lady’s smiling face makes my morning.
I forward my translation of the poem to a couple of friends and they agree that it's grand.
We take the long path through the woods. I listen to my daughter's excitement over the last book of the Ink Trilogy, enjoy the sight of periwinkle flowers and green beeches and make sure I don't run out of breath.

Monday harmony

2011-04-18T23:25:00.001+02:00

My friend from the office and I share a blissful moment of complete understanding of what we are saying to one another. We look at each other and smile.
I am amazed by Em’s report about an art project that nine classmates had agreed to put together but eventually only two showed up, Em being one of them, and did the work that challenged their creativity and gave them a sense of accomplishment. Way to go, girls!
I answer the phone only to realize that the caller and I are standing 2 minutes away from each other and that this is one of those meant-to-be happy meetings over a cup of decaf.

Breezy Wednesday

2011-03-23T23:02:00.000+01:00

Jay plays her zither and sings along. Then she invites us all to sit down on the blanket in our living room and have cookies and nuts. Happy time.
I take a deep breath and enjoy the quietness. The evening breeze with scents of spring on my face and in my hair.
My back muscles are no longer tight. (I know my sleep tonight won't be either.)

Tuesday stories

2011-03-22T23:38:00.002+01:00

Jay puts up another puppet show about Cinderella. Unlike in the traditional version she put up yesterday this time Cinderella dances with the Prince, the Gingerbreadman, the Ballerina and some other puppets placed over wooden spoon handles so Jay could hold them all. Her narration is great. I am amazed.
I see a bookmark stuck in another of Em’s thick books. We have an agreement about not starting a new book before Friday due to school tests this week… and apparently she couldn’t help herself but to read the first two pages. I can imagine her excitement about a great story so very well, that wonderful anticipation.
There are stories residing within me. I just don’t have the time and the energy to let them out. But it is all fine because I know they are there, waiting for more attention.

Jay's gifts of love

2011-03-14T23:39:00.001+01:00

A bouquet for Mommy!

A tiny gift of sisterly love!

Good night to all lovely Dolls!

Thursday gifts

2011-03-03T23:51:00.001+01:00

For a short and blissful moment I was listening to a professional team and learnt from the experts.
Lunch on the table and all costumes taken care of. I am grateful. Mom knows.
I love how smooth stretched fresh sheets feel.

Wednesday winds

2011-03-02T20:15:00.000+01:00

A strong wind in my face with snowflakes landing on my glasses.
My friend has the answers to all my questions. She has my whole life figured out. We laugh.
The lady at the local library is kind and always able to suggest a good book. My reading list is a whole lot longer because of her.